You are sitting at a coffee shop, thinking about a change that would make your ministry more fruitful. You are pumped. Then you remember what happened with previous changes you tried. Like when you pushed for working in teams, but no one really understood why. Or when you proposed changing your mission’s organizational structure—everyone seemed like they were on board, you developed a plan for the change, but no one followed up.
 
You want this change to go better, and you are wondering what you can do. Here are 4 suggestions:
 
(1) Make your case, instead of announcing the change. I’ve tried announcing. It doesn’t work. For example, I remember emailing a team leader, instructing her to have her team to use a tool. I did not explain why. The result? After 8 years, the team has yet to fully implement the tool.
 
What should I have done? I should I have made my case by having the team (1) examine the data I had looked at, (2) compare their conclusions about the data with mine, (3) identify how my proposal could help and what might happen if the proposal wasn’t adopted, and (4) give additional feedback on my proposal. Doing this would have taken time, but doing this would have resulted in the team using the tool more.
 
(2) Once you have made your case for change, you’ll need to collaboratively develop a plan for change. First, get the group involved. The more involved they are, the more they will implement the plan. Next, make sure the group develops a plan that answers these 5 questions: What is our goal? What action steps do we need to take? Who’s responsible for what? What resources are needed? How will we report progress?
 
(3) Recognize that different people have different responses to change. A few people love change and are ready to try anything new (like those who lined up for hours to get an iPhone 5 the day it came out). Some people will consider the change and implement it. The majority of people, however, will need to see the change being implementing before they take action. Finally, some people might resist the change. Bottom line? Don’t get discouraged if you don’t get everyone on board immediately.
 
(4) Talk with others before developing policies and procedures. This came home to me while taking a graduate class with school administrators. In teams, we were doing a simulation to see who could implement change the fastest. My team was moving across the board at a good clip, developing policies and procedures.
 
We were about half way across when another group shouted, “Done!” I was stunned. We had done all the “right” things. How had they beaten us? Simple. They realized that change starts with people, so they talked with others before developing policies and procedures. I’ve never forgotten that lesson.
 
What can you talk about with others? You can ask how they feel about the change and tell stories about people implementing the change.
 
What about you?

1. What is one way you lead change?
2. What is comfortable/uncomfortable about leading change?
3. How could you lead change even more effectively?
4. What will you do?

Remember: You can find ways to lead change even more effectively.
 

Looking for a model to use when having a difficult conversation? Try this one:

• Heart (How is your heart?)
• Be aware (What do you need to be aware of?)
• Encourage safety (How can you encourage safety?)
• Share, Ask, Listen, Take (Now what?)

You are chatting with Henry, an employee you supervise. Just a regular conversation. But then Henry gets defensive and starts talking loudly. You wonder what happened and so quickly review what the 2 of you have said. You realize that Henry reacted to your comment about Project Z not being on schedule and that now is the time to address how to get this project back on track.
 
So, you clarify your comment: “Henry, when I said that Project Z is behind schedule, I didn’t mean that it was all your fault. I was just stating the fact.” Then to establish common ground, you say, “We both understand the importance of the project, and we both want to meet the upcoming deadline.”
 
Henry calms down and nods. And you think, “Now what?” Good question.
 
When you find yourself asking that question, try using the SALT framework:

• Share
• Ask
• Listen
• Take

This framework will help you avoid getting aggressive or defensive, preserve your relationship, and do something to improve the situation. Let me explain:
 
(1) Share facts (instead of giving interpretations). Why? Because sharing facts helps you moderate your tone of voice—when you’re frustrated or angry, it’s all too easy to talk in ways to cause others to react negatively. Because sharing facts helps you avoid saying volatile things (like “You always do that”) that can cause others to get defensive and stop listening to you. And because sharing facts helps you focus on what actually happened—the facts.
 
(2) Ask questions to learn about the other person’s thinking (instead of saying what the person is thinking). How do you feel when others say what you’re thinking? Personally, I don’t like it—it seems that they don’t really want to know what I’m thinking and that they’ve already made up their minds. I much prefer that others ask me questions. This shows they are interested in me and my thinking, and questions help me provide quality feedback, questions like “From your perspective, what happened?” and “What am I missing or not understanding?”
 
(3) Listen to understand (instead of listening to judge). People who listen to judge are more likely to be thinking about how they disagree with what the other person is saying or about what they are going to say next, to interrupt the speaker, and to come across as critical, all of which can shutdown a difficult conversation. People who listen to understand, instead, ask questions and then just listen. They don’t talk, they wait patiently for the other person to speak, they focus on what the other person is saying, and they use eye contact and body language to show interest in what the other person is saying.
 
(4) Take action together (instead of leaving the matter unresolved). Too often in difficult conversations, we target being heard, rather than resolving the matter. We operate on the assumption that if both side share, the matter will be resolved, only to find out later that it is not. Instead of targeting being heard, target taking action together. How? By collaboratively developing a SMART goal and determining how you will follow up.
 
Bottom line: SALT difficult conversations.
 
What about you? Think about a difficult conversation you’ve had:

1. What were the facts? How well did you share just the facts?
2. What questions did you ask? What questions could you have asked?
3. How well did you listen?
4. What action did you both take?
5. How could you apply this article in a difficult conversation you need to have or are likely to have?

Want to learn more? Read Crucial Conversations, especially chapters 7-9.

You don’t have to be up in front to lead. You don’t have to be the team manager, meeting facilitator, or workshop presenter. You can lead without being up in front. This is good news for those who would like to lead but prefer not to be up in front. And this is good news for those who enjoy leading from the front and are looking for more opportunities to lead.
 
But don’t leaders by definition need to be up in front so their followers can follow them? Not necessarily. Without being up in front, leaders can still lead in a variety of ways, including providing staff support, building confidence, provoking reflection, encouraging partnerships, and helping others grow.
 
Let me explain. If you want to lead when you’re not up in front, you can . . .
 
(1) Support others by praying. Ask God to help your ministry team live for him, pursue their callings, and use their gifts. Ask God to help those in your mission and church have good life balance, have healthy relationships, and regularly read the Bible.
 
(2) Build confidence by believing in others. When people are confident, they serve more effectively. How can you demonstrate that you believe in others? By acting like they can do it, instead of micromanaging. By asking, “What progress did you make?” instead of asking, “Did you make any progress?” By saying, “You have good ideas,” instead of saying, “Here are my ideas.”
 
(3) Provoke reflection by asking open-ended questions. Reflection helps people to focus, solve problems, and achieve their goals. If a ministry team is having trouble focusing, ask, “What’s your team purpose? What’s it take to achieve that purpose?” If a Sunday school teacher is struggling with how to cover all the material in 45 minutes, ask, “What do you really want the kids to learn? How can you help them learn that?” If a fellow missionary is proposing new activities, ask, “What’s causing you to propose new activities? To what extent will these activities help you achieve your goals?”
 
(4) Encourage partnerships by connecting people. I’m grateful that friends have connected me with key people. For example, Valerie connected me with Dan, a school consultant. As a result, we’ve refined our odels for Christian education and developed better training materials. I’ve connected house church leaders, providing them with a venue to talk on a regular basis. As a result, they clarified the pros and cons of house churches and identified ways to empower house church members.
 
(5) Provide resources to help others grow. I’m glad that colleagues recommended books like Crucial Conversations and An Essential Guide to Public Speaking. These books helped me work more effectively with others and focus on serving. I’ve helped others grow by sharing books like Leadership Coaching, blogs like missionalchallenge.com, and online training from leaderbreakthru.com.
 
Other ways you can lead without being up in front include modeling servanthood, modeling zeal for God, showing you care, spending time with others, and listening.
 
What about you?

1. What is one way you lead when you’re not up in front?
2. What excites/concerns you about leading when you’re not up in front?
3. How could you lead more effectively?
4. What will you do?

Remember: You don’t have to be up in front to lead.

You’re in a serious conversation with Steve—and he’s not saying much. You’re thinking, “What’s going on? I mean, we both agreed we needed to talk about the status of this project. We’re not going to get anywhere if he doesn’t talk. Why isn’t he saying anything?”
 
Then you recall times where you didn’t feel like saying much, either because you found a situation stressful or because you didn’t see the point. Like when you were in a recent planning session and Jim kept interrupting you. Or when your supervisor said loudly and without any warning or explanation, “It’d be good for you to stay in the office more.” Or when you were really looking forward to a quiet weekend and your wife planned a big dinner party without asking you.
 
Why did you go silent? Because you didn’t feel safe—you didn’t feel respected or you didn’t feel like others cared about your goals.
 
You look back at Steve, and you ask yourself, “What can I do to encourage Steve to feel safe?” You haven’t been rude or said anything wrong, so you don’t need to apologize. You both care about getting this project done, so you don’t need to show you care about the goal. But you did say something that needs clarification. You said, “Your team isn’t on schedule to meet the project deadline,” and then he stopped talking.
 
Then it hits you—Steve’s team has really been working hard and prides itself on getting things done on time. And the delay was caused by Mark, a supervisor in another department, making incorrect decisions. As a result of your comment, Steve is thinking that you don’t respect his team.
 
You say, “When I said your team isn’t on schedule to meet the project deadline, I didn’t mean that your team hasn’t been work hard or that it was your team’s fault. I recognize Mark made some decisions that caused delays. I just meant that the project isn’t on schedule. I said that because I wanted to talk with you about how I can help your team as it works to get the project done on time.”
 
Steve sighs and re-engages in the conversation.
 
Bottom line: Encourage safety.
 
What about you?

1. What is a conversation you’ve had in which you did not feel safe?
2. How do you behave in a conversation when you feel safe/unsafe?
3. What helps you feel safe?
4. How can you help others feel safe?
5. How could you apply this article in a serious conversation you need to have or are likely to have?

Want to learn more? Read Crucial Conversations, especially chapter 5.

What do crossing the street and hitting a tennis ball have in common? They are both situations in which you need to be aware of yourself and others. Let me explain:
 
(1) Crossing the street: You want to cross the street at an intersection without a stoplight. You pause and look both ways to check for oncoming traffic. You see a single car moving slowly toward you about 3 blocks away, determine that you can safely walk across the street at your usual pace, and proceed. Being aware of yourself and the location of the oncoming car helps you get across the street safely.
 
(2) Hitting a tennis ball: You’re playing a singles tennis match. It’s the third set, you’re down 4 games to 5, and you need to win this game to stay in the match. Your opponent hits a hard cross-court shot to your forehand and rushes net. As you move to hit the ball, you consider how you will play it. You can go for a passing shot or a lob. You remember that your opponent is a pretty good net player and that earlier in the match you won a point by hitting a deep lob. You hit a deep lob to his backhand corner. Being aware of yourself and your opponent helps you win the point.
 
Being aware of yourself and others is also helpful when you are having a serious conversation. Imagine you are a math department chair at a high school. You are talking with a teacher about one of her curriculum maps so you can learn about the extent to which she is applying the Understanding by Design framework. You keep in mind that this is the first time the teacher has talked about her maps with someone and that she tends toward perfectionism.
 
You start slowly, letting the teacher explain her map. Everything seems to be going fine until you ask, “How do your content and skills align with your big ideas?” With an edge in her voice, she replies, “Does everything have to align? Can’t my content and skills just align with my objectives? This is getting to be a hassle.” She stares at you, waiting for a response, and you get uncomfortable.
 
You think, “Here we go again. She always stonewalls. I’ve talked with her before about aligning content and big ideas—and it’s right on the checklist. All I did was ask a simple question, and she gets snippy, snippy, snippy. Typical. What am I supposed to do now? Maybe I should just let this go. It’d be easier to just move on to another part of the map.”
 
Then you recognize this is your usual response to conflict and that her defensiveness isn’t aimed at you—it’s just that as a perfectionist, she’s put a lot of effort into this map and has fallen short. You say, “When I asked about the alignment, I wasn’t trying to point out errors. I was trying to learn more about what you are thinking and how I can help. OK?” She replies, “OK,” and you continue your discussion.
 
Bottom line: In a serious conversation, be aware of yourself and others.
 
What about you?

1. What is a serious conversation you have had?
2. What is comfortable/uncomfortable about serious conversations?
3. How aware are you of how you behave in a serious conversation?
4. How aware are you of how others behave in a serious conversation?
5. How could you apply this article in a serious conversation you need to have or are likely to have?

Want to learn more?
ŸRead Crucial Conversations, especially chapter 4.
Take a free self-assessment about your interaction style when you’re under stress.

Imagine you’re sitting at a coffee shop. Across the table from you is a Christian leader you want to help grow. As you sip your coffee, you both share about your families and ministries. You notice that he seems a little anxious, so you ask, “How’s it going? Really?” He pauses, looks at you, and says that he’s discouraged and wondering if he should continue his ministry.

And now you start to feel a little anxious. Questions race through your mind: What should I say? How should I say it? What advice should I give? How can I help?

My advice? Remember three things. First, remember that God is growing His people, and the Holy Spirit is at work in each believer. God is already at work in the life of this leader. To help him grow, God saved him, gave him key relationships, blessed him with abilities and character qualities, and provided him with education and useful ministry experiences.

Second, remember that while God may use you to help this leader grow, it’s God who is actually growing this leader. God can do it!

And third, remember that because God is at work in this leader (Romans 8:28-29), you’re free. You’re free not to give suggestions or advice to him. And you’re free to invite him to listen to the Holy Spirit, to inquire about how God is working in his life and what the Holy Spirit is saying to him, to focus him on what the Holy Spirit wants him to do, and to encourage him to consider his goals in light of God’s Word and leading.

So, how should you respond to this leader who is discouraged about his ministry and wondering if he should continue? How about asking questions? You could ask: How’s your relationship with God? What’s the Holy Spirit been saying to you? What might God be teaching you? How might God be using this to help you grow?

Remember, God is growing His people, and the Holy Spirit is at work in each believer.

Reflect on the Holy Spirit’s work:

1. How is God growing you? How is the Holy Spirit working in your heart?
2. How do you feel about the Holy Spirit working in the lives of leaders you work with?
3. What happens when Christian leaders focus on what the Holy Spirit is saying to them?
4. To help Christian leaders focus on what the Holy Spirit is saying to them, what do you need to keep doing? start doing? stop doing?
5. How will you demonstrate that you believe the Holy Spirit is at work in each believer?

Each time, I should have asked myself a question. Just one question. But I didn’t. And that resulted in ill will, disharmony, bad stuff. Bummer.
 
It’s 1987, my wife and I haven’t been getting along all morning, and I hear myself say in a loud voice, “That’s not the logical way to wash the car.” Not one of my better moments—she has washed way more cars than I have, she is more patient and understanding than I am, and here I am pontificating on the logical way to wash the car. My wife replies with understandable vehemence, “There’s a logical way to wash a car?” Before speaking, I should have asked myself a question.
 
It’s June, the end of the school year. I’m in my office, and I realize I have not yet gotten a curriculum document from a high school teacher. Classes are over for the day, so I head to his classroom. I knock, step in, and see him sitting at his desk, marking papers—report cards are due in a few days. But since I’m not teaching, I don’t pay attention to this. Instead, I ask, “Could I get that curriculum document from you?” (Again, not one of my better moments.) He says, “It’s not yet done.” I reply, “You should have had it done by now,” and leave the room. Before speaking, I should have asked myself a question.
 
What question? I should have asked myself, “How is my heart?” If I had done so, I would have reflected on what God says and what I really wanted; consequently, I would have handled things better.
 
If I had asked myself “How is my heart?” I would have remembered that God says the human heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9)—when I thought I was talking with my wife about the logical way to wash the car, what I was really doing was getting back at her for the morning’s disharmony (which in all probability I caused). I would have kept in mind God’s command to love Him with my whole heart and my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:37-39)—when I was asking the teacher for the curriculum document in June, I was focused on myself, used bad timing, and took out my frustration on the teacher, instead of being supportive.
 
And maybe if I’d have asked myself “How is my heart?” I would have focused on what I really wanted:

• ŸWhat I wanted to avoid (ill will and disharmony)
• ŸWhat I wanted to preserve (unity in Christ)
• ŸWhat I wanted to achieve (pursuing my calling by having a good morning with my wife and by supporting the teacher in developing the curriculum)

 
Instead of asking myself the question to get me reflecting on what God says and what I really wanted, I blew it. Plain and simple.
 
Bottom line: The next time you’re about to express your frustration (or when you know you’re struggling with how to handle a key conversation), ask yourself, “How’s my heart?”
 
What about you?

1. What is a conversation you didn’t handle well?
2. How did you feel during that conversation?
3. How was your heart? (How well did you remember what God’s Word says? How clear were you on what you wanted to avoid, preserve, and achieve?)
4. How could you apply this article in a key conversation you need to have/are likely to have?

 
Want to learn more?

• ŸStudy God’s Word: Jeremiah 17:9 (and Matthew 7:1-5), Proverbs 4:23 (and Matthew 12:34), Matthew 22:37-39, Matthew 6:33, and James 3:1-12.
• ŸExplore using avoid, preserve, and achieve.
• ŸRead Crucial Conversations, especially chapters 1-3.

I grow when I take responsibility. I grow when I take responsibility to define, commit to, and achieve my goals. Defining my goals helps me understand how I can more effectively pursue God’s calling. Committing to my goals helps me know what to focus on and what not to focus on. And working to achieve my goals results in things like a growing spiritual life and better life balance.

How about you? How does taking responsibility affect your growth? And how does taking responsibility to define, commit to, and achieve goals affect the growth of the leaders you’re developing?

Want to help others grow by empowering them to take responsibility? If so, do these 4 things: (1) To empower others, listen to them. Help them take responsibility by listening to them, instead of talking. Listen a minimum of 80% of the time. Listen in order to help them talk through what their goals are. And when you listen, be sure you look interested and sound interested.

(2) To empower others, inquire about their goals. Help them take responsibility by asking questions, instead of suggesting goals. Ask questions like: What are your goals? How can you pursue God’s calling even more? Where are you and where do you want to go? What can you do to move forward on your goals? What will you do?

(3) To empower others, focus them on their goals. Help them take responsibility by encouraging them to identify their goals. You can do this by inviting them to take 5-10 minutes to list their goals for areas like spiritual life, relationships, leadership, work, and life balance. After they have identified their goals, invite them to select a goal and identify the action steps they can take to achieve that goal. Encourage them to make their action steps SMART—specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timebound.

(4) To empower others, encourage them to achieve their goals. Help them take responsibility by encouraging them to talk about progress on their goals. It’s easy to do—when you see a leader, say, “Tell me about the progress you’ve made on your goals.” And when they achieve their goals, encourage them to celebrate!

Remember, people grow as they take responsibility.

Reflect on responsibility:

1. What is one way you encourage leaders to take responsibility?
2. What is satisfying/unsatisfying about getting leaders to take responsibility?
3. How does taking responsibility affect the growth of leaders?
4. What can you do to help leaders increasingly take responsibility?
5. What will you do to help leaders increasingly take responsibility?

You and I both want to grow. We want to grow so we can pursue God’s calling even more. So, we target growth areas like leadership, spiritual disciplines, conflict management, life balance, and Japanese language proficiency.

You and I both know that people who believe in us empower us to grow. I’ve experienced it in my own life. You have, too. When people believe in me, I can do more. I remember talking with my regional director about a workshop. He invited me to lead workshop sessions about focusing on the mission’s purpose and on asking open-ended questions. I felt hesitant. So, I asked some questions. He responded, “Do what you want. I trust you. You’ll know what to do.” I was energized to develop and deliver quality workshops.

I’ve also experienced that believing in others empowers them to grow. For example, I was working with a missionary who was serving in a new ministry, one that really stretched him. I was listening as he reflected on the past 9 months. And then he said, “One of the biggest things you did for me was believe in me. You thought I could do it. That gave me confidence to accomplish new things.”

As a result of these and other experiences, I’ve become increasingly convinced that believing in others helps them grow. I now work to interact with others in ways that show I believe in them. For example, I target helping others become better problem solvers (instead of targeting solving their problems). I also strive to listen (instead of talking), ask questions (instead of advising), focus on drawing out (instead of on putting in), and encourage (instead of critiquing)—remember, Barnabas encouraged Paul.

Empower God’s people to pursue their calling. Believe in someone. Today.
 
Reflect on believing in others:

1. Who is someone who believed in you? What was the impact of being believed in?
2. Who is someone who didn’t believe in you? How did he/she communicate this?
3. What excites/concerns you about believing in others?
4. How does believing in others empower them to pursue God’s calling?
5. How could you show that you believe in others?
6. How will you show that you believe in others?

By asking questions like:

• What’s excellence?
• What’s satisfying/unsatisfying about pursuing organizational excellence?
• For your ministry, what does organizational excellence look like?
• What can you do to pursue organizational excellence?
• What will you do?

Your client wants to better organize the files in his computer. So you ask him questions like: How are your computer files organized now? What do you like/dislike about the way your computer files are organized? What does being “better organized” look like? In terms of being organized, what do you want to keep doing, start doing, and stop doing?
 
Your client responds to your questions and does some effective reflection. He brainstorms some possible action plans and decides to talk with Martin about how to better organize computer files. You ask, “What else will you do?” You wait for about 10 seconds—your client doesn’t come with another action step. Then you say, “You should organize your files in terms of your job roles….”
 
Not good. Why? Because by suggesting action steps, you could be interrupting your client’s thinking. Because by suggesting action steps, you are doing your client’s work for him. Because by suggesting action steps, you are acting like a consultant, not a coach.
 
My point: Make sure you consistently refrain from advising others on what actions to take.
 
Question: How often do you refrain from advising others on what actions to take?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently refrain from advising others on what actions to take?

Your client is sharing the results of the 2 action steps she’s taken to get better life balance. She walked for 30 minutes each day and is feeling more relaxed. And when her supervisor asked her to design a newsletter, she responded with, “I’m happy to design a newsletter. What would you like me to stop working on in order do this?” Her supervisor said she should stop work on a promotional video!
 
You look at your client and say, “You’ve made real progress on getting better life balance. You accomplished your 2 action steps. You’re more relaxed, and you took on a new task without increasing your overall workload. Good for you!” Your client has a big smile on her face. She looks encouraged.
 
My point: Use affirmation to encourage others.
 
Question: How often do you use affirmation to encourage others?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

Make sure you consistently use affirmation to encourage others. And when you give affirmation, make sure your affirmation is:

1. Growth-centered
2. Relevant
3. Authentic
4. Client-focused
5. Energizing
6. Specific

Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently use affirmation to encourage others?

By asking questions like:

1. What’s your ministry?
2. How do you feel about your ministry and your workload?
3. How interested are you in getting more done in the same amount of time?
4. What helps you work efficiently and effectively? What doesn’t help you?
5. What can you do to work smarter?
6. What will you do?

I’m talking with a friend about how I can more effectively help an organization build capacity. I share that I’m not sufficiently aware of how the organization is responding to my recommendations. My friend asks, “What do you mean by ‘not sufficiently aware’?” I explain that I get no feedback so I don’t know which (if any) recommendations the organization has processed, and I don’t know what the organization thinks of my recommendations.
 
Then I go on to describe how I got involved with the organization. I share that the organization has asked me to submit recommendations in writing and that I don’t have the opportunity to discuss my recommendations with someone on staff. My friend asks, “So are you saying that you want to talk through your recommendations with someone in the organization?”
 
I like his questions. I like his questions because they show he’s listening. And I like his questions because they show he’s interested in me and in what I’m saying. His use of clarification encourages me to keep thinking and to find ways to help the organization.
 
Question: How often do you use clarification to encourage others?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

My point: Make sure you consistently use clarification to encourage others.
 
Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently use clarification to encourage others?

In Japan, the listener shows that he’s listening by saying things like “hai hai,” (um hm) and “naruhodo” (I see). When the person talking hears these phrases, he’s encouraged to continue talking. In a real sense, these phrases are “encouragers.”
 
My point: Use “encouragers” to encourage your clients to keep talking and reflecting. When you’re coaching, say things like “yup,” “yes,” “um hmm,” “I see,” and “hmm.”
 
Question: How often do you use “encouragers” to encourage others?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

Question: What will do to ensure that you consistently use “encouragers” to encourage others?

Ever been asked, “Why did you do that?” I have. While it does get me thinking, it also gets me feeling accused. And sometimes the feeling of being accused gets in the way of me thinking about why I did something.
 
The question “Why did you do that?” taps into childhood memories of really stupid things I’ve done (like when I was a young boy, I thought I could jump across a large manure pit, and fell in instead) and of my parents looking at me, wondering what I was thinking.
 
My point: If you want to help your coaching clients to reflect, and if you don’t want your clients feeling accused, refrain from asking “why” questions.
 
Question: How do often you refrain from asking “why” questions?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

Make sure you consistently refrain from asking “why” questions. One thing that helps me do this is asking questions that start with “what.” For example, “What caused you to do that?” (instead of “Why did you do that?”).
 
Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently refrain from asking “why” questions?

A key reason I get coaching is because I want to understand and be understood. I want to understand, for example, what’s happening with a transition to living in a different culture for 6 months, how I feel about it, and how I can use it to further my goals. And I want to be understood—I want my coach to understand what I’m thinking and feeling, for example, about living in a different culture.
 
I don’t get coaching because I want to be judged. I don’t get coaching so I can hear my coach say things like “Living in a different culture is a bad idea” or “You shouldn’t feel apprehensive about living in a different culture” or “That’s a stupid action step.”
 
My point: If you want to help your coaching clients, listen to them. And when you listen, target understanding (not judging).
 
Question: How often do you target understanding?

1. Consistently?
2. Usually?
3. Sometimes?
4. Rarely?

Make sure you consistently target understanding. Things that help me do this include:

1. Remembering as a client how helpful it is when my coach really wants to understand me.
2. Remembering how much I dislike getting judged and how getting judging decreases my ability to reflect.

Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently target understanding?

I’ve gotten coaching on things that had obvious solutions. For example, I’ve gotten coaching on how avoid getting overloaded at a conference, when the (obvious) solution was to schedule down time. I’ve gotten coaching on which new goals to pursue, when the (obvious) solution was not to pursue any—my schedule was already full.
 
I’m glad that my coaches empowered me to discover effective action steps. I’m glad they didn’t say things like, “It’s a conference—you shouldn’t be focused on avoiding overload” or “Look, your schedule is already full, so thinking about which new goals to pursue is a bad idea.” I’m glad that coaches refrained from criticizing me.
 
Question: How often do you refrain from criticizing your client?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

Make sure you consistently refrain from criticizing your client. Things that help me do this include the following:

1. Remembering how criticism shuts down my thinking—and the thinking of my clients.
2. Focusing on helping my client discover action steps that will help him reach his goals.

Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently refrain from criticizing your client?

My client wants to prioritize her tasks. So, I start by asking questions like “What tasks need to get done?” and “What else?” My client mentions a variety of tasks, including updating materials for a workshop on personal productivity, finalizing a presentation on planning tools for the leadership team, and attending a network meeting of church planters. Then she pauses and says, “I really need to get after my workshop materials.”
 
I notice her emphasis on workshop materials. Instead of asking a question, I make an inviting statement: “You mentioned that you need to update workshop materials and then you came back to that again. Tell me more about that.” She shares that she’s concerned about the workshop materials and that she’s been wondering if she should expand the number of workshops she’s doing.

My point: Make inviting statements.
 
Question: How often do you make inviting statements?
 
Things that help me make inviting statements include the following:

1. Recognizing that inviting statements help me reflect.
2. Remembering that inviting statements are an effective alternative to questions.

Question: What will you do to ensure that you make inviting statements?