A key reason I get coaching is because I want to understand and be understood. I want to understand, for example, what’s happening with a transition to living in a different culture for 6 months, how I feel about it, and how I can use it to further my goals. And I want to be understood—I want my coach to understand what I’m thinking and feeling, for example, about living in a different culture.
 
I don’t get coaching because I want to be judged. I don’t get coaching so I can hear my coach say things like “Living in a different culture is a bad idea” or “You shouldn’t feel apprehensive about living in a different culture” or “That’s a stupid action step.”
 
My point: If you want to help your coaching clients, listen to them. And when you listen, target understanding (not judging).
 
Question: How often do you target understanding?

1. Consistently?
2. Usually?
3. Sometimes?
4. Rarely?

Make sure you consistently target understanding. Things that help me do this include:

1. Remembering as a client how helpful it is when my coach really wants to understand me.
2. Remembering how much I dislike getting judged and how getting judging decreases my ability to reflect.

Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently target understanding?

Your mind is starting to wander. Your responses lack your usual focus and enthusiasm. When your calendar alarm goes off, you focus on it and miss a key thought your client has shared. And you’re concerned because you know these things indicate that you’re not really interested in what your client is saying.
 
Question: How often are you interested in what others say?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

Make sure you’re consistently interested in what others say. Things that help me do this include the following:

1. Focusing on my client as a fellow Christian who is working to pursue his calling.
2. Making appropriate eye contact.
3. Removing distractions before I start coaching. For example, if I’m using videoconferencing to coach, I turn off all other software applications.

Question: What will you do to ensure that you consistently are interested in what others say?

When coaching, listen, inquire, focus, and encourage.

Want to empower people? Want to develop leaders? Want to help others become better problem solvers and solve their problems? If so, try this one thing. It’s free. You can do it anywhere. And those you talk with like it.
 
What is it? It’s the 80/20 Rule. The 80/20 Rule says that in each conversation, you should listen 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time.
 
Question: How often do you talk 20% of the time?

• Consistently?
• Usually?
• Sometimes?
• Rarely?

Make sure you consistently follow the 80/20 Rule. To do this, you’re going to have to keep the other person talking. What I do to keep others talking (so I can listen) is make inviting statements (Tell me more about that.) and ask open-ended questions like “What’s a key challenge you’re facing?”
 
Question: What action steps will you take to ensure that you consistently talk a maximum of 20% of the time?
 
*To learn more about listening, click here.

Through Christian coaching, you can empower others to pursue God’s call. To get an idea of how you can empower others even more effectively, complete the following self-assessment that addresses coaching beliefs, skills, and process (download). Write the number in the blank that comes closest to representing how true a given statement is for you right now. Use the following scale:

4: Consistently • 3: Usually • 2: Sometimes • 1: Rarely

The coach’s heart
___  I trust that the Holy Spirit is working in the heart of every believer.
___  I believe others can define and achieve their goals.
___  I target motivation, not information.
___  I empower others to take responsibility.
 
LIFE skills: Listen • Inquire • Focus • Encourage
___  I’m interested in what others say.
___  When listening, I look interested.
___  When listening, I sound interested.
___  I target understanding, not judging.
___  I don’t talk more than 20% of the time.

___  I ask open-ended questions.
___  I make inviting statements.
___  I don’t ask “why” questions.
___  I don’t give advice.

___  I focus others on developing their own SMART action steps.
___  I don’t suggest action steps.

___  I encourage others through clarification.
___  I encourage others through affirmation.
___  I encourage others through restatement.
___  I encourage others through “encouragers.”
___  I don’t criticize.
 
GROW process: Goal • Reality • Options • Will do
___  I’m clear on what the other person wants to accomplish for the session.
___  I don’t suggest goals for the session.

___  I empower others to explore the current reality regarding their goals.
___  I don’t describe others’ reality.

___  I empower others to brainstorm options for taking action on their goals.
___  I don’t suggest options.

___  I empower others to develop 2-3 SMART action steps per goal.
___  I don’t advise others on what actions to take.

Pursuing my calling is both exciting and frustrating. My calling simultaneously feels like a significant way to help others and a massive, unsolvable problem. How about you? How do you feel about your calling?

I want to pursue my calling, and I find that when someone believes in me, I feel encouraged, energized, and blessed.

People who believe in me do 4 things:

1. They listen, instead of talking.
   
2. They inquire, instead of advising.
   
3. They focus on drawing out, instead of putting in.
   
4. They encourage, instead of critiquing.

Encourage God’s people to pursue their calling. Believe in someone. Today.

Because God is at work in each of His people (Romans 8:28-29), you’re free. Because God is at work, you’re free not to give suggestions or advice to God’s people.

Because God is at work, you’re free:

• To listen for what God wants you to ask His people and to focus them on listening to the Holy Spirit.
  
• To inquire about how God is working in others’ lives and what the Holy Spirit is saying to them.
  
• To focus God’s people on what the Holy Spirit wants them to do.
  
• To encourage others to consider their goals in light of God’s Word and leading.

Remember: As a Christian coach, you’re free!

I like being listened to. When someone really listens to me, I feel heard, understood, and affirmed—and consequently, encouraged and empowered to pursue God’s calling. How about you? How do you feel when someone really listens to you?

I think you’re like me—you like to be listened to. And as missionaries, we both understand that in ministry, listening to others is vital. When we listen to others, they feel understood, encouraged, and empowered. When we listen, relationships deepen. But listening is hard; talking seems easier. So, we sometimes are quick to speak and slow to listen, something James challenges us not to be.

How can you listen more effectively? Read the 3 guidelines for listening given below. For each guideline, ask yourself, “How am I doing?” Then, identify and commit to taking one concrete step to improve your listening.

1. Guideline #1: Be, look, and sound interested. In other words, find the person interesting and use culturally appropriate posture, facial expressions, and tone of voice.
   
2. Guideline #2: Target understanding the person, not judging what’s being said. Listen deeply. Listen to what’s on her heart.
   
3. Guideline #3: Use the 80/20 Rule. Listen 80% of the time; talk 20% of the time. To keep the person talking so you can listen, ask open-ended questions. Ask questions like: What is God calling you to be? If you accomplished your goal, what would it look like? How do you feel? What can you do?

Take action to be a better listener. Use listening to encourage and empower others.

Everyone needs encouragement. You. Me. Everyone.

How can you encourage others? Here’s a starter list:

• Listen. Really listen. When someone really listens to me, I feel heard. Feeling heard is encouraging.
  
• Ask questions. When people ask me questions, they demonstrate respect for what I think. That’s encouraging.
  
• Focus on others. When someone focuses on me, I feel energized and encouraged. It’s as if there is an energy flow from the person to me.
  
• Believe in others. When others think positively about me and help me find my own solutions (instead of suggesting or advising), I feel great.
  
• Celebrate progress. In the press of things, I lose perspective and forget the progress I’ve made. When someone reminds of the progress I’ve made, I feel encouraged.
  
• Affirm character. When someone affirms me in terms of my character, in terms of who I am, I feel good.
  
• Share from your heart. When others share from their heart, for example, by telling their story, I feel freed to tell my story. Telling my story encourages me because I get to share from my heart.
  
• Use “encouragers.” When people say, “Yes…I see...Tell me more…” I feel encouraged to continue sharing.

Encourage someone. Today.

You want to empower others. You want to empower others to focus on their goals, work smart, and pursue their callings. And you have decided to use the GROW process, a 4-step process that moves a person from goal to action:

1. Goal: Get the person to state 1 or more attainable goals for the session.
   
2. Reality: Get the person to explore the current reality regarding the goal(s).
   
3. Options: Get the person to brainstorm options for taking action on the goal(s).
   
4. Will do: Get the person to develop 2-3 SMART action steps s/he will do for each goal.

Problem: You don’t know how to get the 4 steps accomplished. You don’t know how to make the GROW process come alive.

Solution: Add LIFE to the GROW process. How? By using LIFE skills at each step of the GROW process. What are the 4 LIFE skills?

1. Listening
   
2. Inquiring
   
3. Focusing
   
4. Encouraging

Here’s how you can add LIFE to the GROW process to get each of the 4 steps done!

(1) Goal: To get the person to state 1 or more attainable session goals, add LIFE.

• Listen. Establish that you want the person to talk about 1 or more goals and that you want to understand the goals (not judge them).
  
• Inquire by asking questions like, “What’s your goal?” and “What would you like to accomplish in our X-minute session?”
  
• Focus the person on developing SMART goals. How? By asking questions: What do you mean by ___? How will you know when you’ve achieved your goal? By when do you want to accomplish your goal?
  
• Encourage the person by restating his goals. This lets him know you are listening and that you are working to understand him and his goals.

(2) Reality: To get the person to explore the current reality regarding the goal(s), add LIFE.

• Listen. Really listen. Use the 80/20 Rule, meaning listen a minimum of 80% of the time and talk a maximum of 20% of the time.
  
• Inquire by asking questions like, “What’s going on?” and by making inviting statements like “Tell me more about…”
  
• Focus the person on the current reality regarding the goal so that later she can develop effective action steps. Ask questions like, “How is God using _______ in your life?”
  
• Encourage the person through clarification. Let her know you are listening and that you want to understand by asking clarifying questions like, “Can you give an example?” and “What do you mean when you say…?”

(3) Options: To get the person to brainstorm options for taking action on the goal(s), add LIFE.

• Listen. Look interested and sound interested. Generating options is hard work, and you can energize the person by listening.
  
• Inquire by asking questions like, “What can you do?” and “What are your options?”
  
• Focus the person on brainstorming action steps s/he would consider doing to achieve the goal(s).
  
• Encourage the person to keep brainstorming by saying “I understand…” and “Tell me more…”

(4) Will do: To get the person to develop 2-3 SMART action steps s/he will do for each goal, add LIFE.

• Listen. Be interested, giving your full attention. The “Will do” section is the culmination of the GROW process. Giving your full attention will empower the person to develop effective action steps.
  
• Inquire by asking questions like, “Is that an action you want to take?” and “On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you to that action step?”
  
• Focus the person on developing SMART action steps s/he will do. How? By asking questions: What do you mean by ___? How will you know when you’ve achieved your action step? How doable is this? How will this action step help you achieve your goal? When will you do this?
  
• Encourage the person by acknowledging when s/he has developed a SMART action plan. Say, “You’ve developed 1 SMART action plan. Good.”

Make the GROW process come alive. How? By adding LIFE. Then use GROWLIFE to empower someone. Today.